What would it mean for us to be really truthful with ourselves?
First and foremost, we would need to acknowledge that we aren't.
Humans are not made for truth; we are made for survival. And deceit and fooling others and ourselves can seem like a good strategy to our ego mind. (With ego mind I simply mean the idea you have about who you are, your so-called identity, plus many of our survival patterns.)
There are many degrees of lies, and small, subtle dishonesties that we engage with. Like we tell people that they look beautiful in their outfit, even though they are not, telling a person they are deeply intelligent, even when you don't think so, or that you did something for an altruistic purpose, even though you did it for a personal benefit.
I had many moments of questioning the truthfulness of much of the training I received and even gave. Is it accurate to speak people up or down? Is it really true? Is it useful to tell people they can be anyone and anything, even if reality shows you that that's not so?
You won't be an NBA player if you are 165, nor will most of us create an AI, make billions or be the next Elon Musk. There are genetic limits, place, education, age, time, that do play a role, yet I am in the business of selling possibilities, so I will tell you that anything is possible.
Is it useful to tell people these things? It for sure sells, and is culturally appreciated. We feel better when we make someone smile, and they feel better about themselves if they believe to be supermen. Yet what are the long-term costs of this behaviour?
Millions of people chasing unattainable goals rather than tending to the challenges right in front of them. Millions of young people wanting to be superstars online, and an ever greater supply of marketing agencies that promise you to get there.
Was the way I was selling programs always truthful? Or did I use the frame that served me the most?
Where did I add exaggerations to my statements just to look better than it was?
The answer is that I did many things that looked like they could increase my survival, and the truth is, you do too. Yet there is always a cost.
We are not evolved to be truthful; we evolved to survive. And sometimes deceiving the other party was what secured your resources (look at current politics) or protected the status in the group (not admitting to failures or hiding them away, you wouldn't believe how much this is happening, including the world of success and spirituality), yet we pay a cost when we aren't. Studies have found that there is a correlation between dishonesty and dissatisfaction in relationships, even when we tell the so-called white lies.
We lie to ourselves to justify our own behaviors, and create narratives that cloud the truth of our actions.
We so desperately need to look good, be good, and be honest that we lie about our dishonesty to ourselves.
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool."
Richard Feynman
There must be evolutionary benefits to our programs from the past, incentivizing us to deceive and lie, yet it is a question of the degree to which they serve us today.
In an interconnected world, where we are constantly influencing one another, and the collaboration of our species is core to our survival (looking at the challenges of our time, climate change, the destruction of ecosystems and soil, water scarcity, and the emergence of superintelligence and AI), having no goal alignment becomes an increasing threat to living on the planet.
If I can't trust your word, how can we collaborate? If I slow down AI development, I can't trust you to do so as well, as I believe you have ulterior motives. If I slow down the economy and invest more in protecting nature and working to slow global heating, investing billions into energy transitions and biodiversity, I can't do that as I don't trust the others to use this window to get a military advantage over me, and take my stuff…
For collaboration, there needs to be trust.
Yet untruthfulness leads to mistrust, and when trust is missing, collaboration is missing. (See the current trend in Europe away from American collaboration, given the breaking of many agreements by the current presidency.)
If I look at the breakdowns in my relationships, they always came down to things uncommunicated, and ideas held back for the purpose of not "hurting" the other, or justifying it wasn't necessary as I had fear of the conversation, or simply not being truthful about something that was occurring in the relationship…
Yet being truthful always starts with being that with yourself. And the biggest hindrances I have found to being that is that our ego (idea of self) usually doesn't include our socially unacceptable traits and behaviors. We desperately want to be seen as good, yet running after this need makes us what we never wanted to be…
Where are you not truthful with yourself?
And how did you justify it to yourself?